Feeling stressed

After an incredibly stressful day, I felt as though I needed to read something like these. I really don't feel like talking about it, all I will say is that I really hope things are better tomorrow :(

You never know what others are going through

Today when I was at work, I found myself wondering what all of the customers I was serving were going through in their personal lives. Sometimes, you see something that makes you wonder whether a person is battling something big in their lives. For example, if you see some cuts on a persons wrist you may wonder if they self harm or if you see an unnaturally skinny person, you cant help but wonder whether they have anorexia or not.

But then, So many diferent things do not have obvious phyical symptoms too. You cant tell by looking at someone if they have bulimia (or many other eating disorders for that matter), alcoholism, bi-polar, anxiety, cancer etc. Someone may have an abusive partner or may have been sexually abused or may have lost a child to cancer or in an accident. You just never know what anyone has been through.

This is why, I always try to be really polite and kind to everyone I meet, no matter what. Even if that person is not particulary friendly to me, I still treat them with the same amount of kindness, as I have no way of knowing what they could be going through. It is not my place to judge anyone I don't know, or even anyone I do know for that matter and I will always try my absolute hardest to bring a smile to the face of every person I meet.

Without even realising it, just by being polite and friendly you could be making the world of difference to somebodies life. When you make someone smile, you could be making them smile for the one and only time that day. Never underestimate just how much a smile or a few kind words can mean to someone. Even if someone does not appear to be in a happy or friendly mood, this is all the more reason to be nice as these are the types of people who often need to be cheered up the most.

Oh Crap...

Ok, so I have unfortunately had a huge morning. I don't even really know where to start but I feel as though I need to let everything out and my blog has always been the place where I can do that, so here it goes.

This morning whilst I was on my way to work, I got caught in some loose gravel and had a really bad car accident. I totally flipped  my car (which is now completely destroyed). I pulled myself out of my car through the  smashed window (whilst it was still upside down) and a car stopped to help me. Luckily I was ok, although I really don't know how I was. If you had seen my car you would not have expected the driver to be ok but luckily I was.

My dad came and waited with me until the ambulance arrived. I didn't think I needed an ambulance but the couple who first stopped and helped me called me the ambulance anyway. So I really had to wait and go back to the hospital in the ambulance where I was checked over by my doctor. The fire engine, police, SES and paramedic also all arrived whilst I was still there at the scene. Besides some grazes on my face and some bruising to the rest of my body I am completely fine which really is amazing.

I am just so happy that no one was coming in the other direction as I crossed onto the wrong side of the road before hitting a road sign and rolling. I seriously would never have been able to forgive myself if I had hurt somebody else in the accident too. It was so awful and scary and I just so wish that I could turn back time and live the morning over again but unfortunately I cant do that.

 I know I just need to be thankful that I am ok as I so easily could have died during the accident. I am also happy that I did not have anyone else in the car with me as that would have been awful also. So for now, I just have to rest and consider myself lucky that I am ok. Yes it sucks that my car was not insured but atleast I still have my old car so I will still be able to get to work each day, once I am well enough to go back.

As my mum said, this is nothing compared to what I have been through in my life however it is still obviously very unfortuate that it has happened. I know that I can get through this, I just need to be strong and keep looking after myself.

Concentrate on whats good

While I had hoped I would be in a more positive mood today, sadly this was not the case, not to begin with anyway. Its as if all of a sudden the combination of eating so much, the types of foods i'm eating, the lack of exercise i'm doing and the amount of weight I am gaining has just all hit me at once. Before the last few days I actually looked forward to eating all of my meals but now I hate it when meal time comes around. Its like I have an uncomfortabely full feeling in my stomach from the moment I get up of a morning until the moment I go to bed of a night which is managing to constantly bring me down.

After lunch I took Tess for a walk on the beach and as I was walking along, I found my self feeling negative about everything. About how I currently look, how I will look in the future and how I am currently feeling at the moment. I sat down on a large piece of drift wood and as I looked out over the ocean I realised something very important and also very true. I am so lucky just to be here and to be alive and that I shouldnt waste my life worrying about the bad things. Afterall, worrying about them and feeling sorry for myself doesnt make the bad things go away, it just stops me from enjoying the good things.

It was as if Tess knew I needed some time to think as she usually just keeps going whenever I stop on a walk but today she stopped and waited with me patiently. I thought about the fact that while not everything about my life may be wonderful, a lot about my life is wonderful and those are the things I need to focus on when things get hard. It wasnt until I pushed the negative thoughts aside that I finally realised just how lucky I was to be there on an extremely beautiful beach with the cool ocean breeze in my face and my dog and best friend faithfully by my side. 

I know that I can get through these difficulties I am currently facing and that I will become happier and more motivated about my recovery again. Until that happens however, I just need to try my hardest to focus on what is good in my life and what truly matters.

A delicious dinner to end a bad day

While being at work did distract me a little from my anorexic thoughts, it was still a relatively hard day for me. Despite the constant conflict that was going on in my head, I still ate each and every one of my meals, just as I promised myself I would. I am proud of myself for getting through the day today and not giving into my anorexia, no matter how anxious and guilty it made me feel.

When I got home from work I cooked myself a very simple but also very delcious tea. I cooked myself 2 fish cakes (that I bought frozen), mashed potato, corn, peas and carrots.

I havent eaten fish cakes since before I got anorexia but I really enjoyed them tonight. While I never get sick of any of my snacks or other main meals, sometimes I really cant get motivated to cook tea. Sometimes I dont know what I feel like and other times I simply dont feel like cooking. I grew up eating meat and vegetables every single night of the week so I do enjoy eating more interesting foods sometimes but sometimes I think it is better to just try and keep it simple.

After tea I cleaned up and took Tess for a really quick walk in the dark as she had been tied up outside to her kennel all day while I was at work. When I got back from my walk I had some dessert which was chocolate self saucing pudding heated up in the microwave and topped with vanilla icecream. 

It was delicious but I really dont think I will feel like having a hot chocolate before bed, as dessert was so sweet. I may have some fruit instead (of course I will make sure the fruit I have contains approximately the same amount of energy as the hot chocolate would have).

I have the weekend off which is fantastic but I really hope I feel a little better tomorrow then I have today. While I know it is important for me to rest, I think I will have to try and keep myself relatively busy so that I can distract myself from my anorexic thoughts. I will hopefully go and visit my dad as I feel as though we havent spent enough time together lately. I will also see if my sister Amy wants to come and keep me company for a few hours tomorrow. I hope that everyone has had/ is having a good day today and that you have a wonderful weekend planned. :)

Getting through a difficult day

Unfortunately today has not been a great day. My anorexia has been stronger and more aggressive then it usually is but I can honestly say I have not let it interfere with my recovery. I have still managed to fight every single anorexic thought I have had and have not let my anorexia control my actions.

When I went into the mall I began comparing myself to every girl I saw, determining whether I was thinner than her or not. I haven't done this for a really long time and it made me feel awful, to be feeling so self conscious and inadequate.  Every time I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a shop window my anorexia would tell me that I am starting to look bigger and that I shouldnt gain anymore weight but I refused to listen to these lies. I know I NEED to gain more weight if I want to allow my body and mind to recover and so that I can get rid of this anorexic voice inside my head for good.

Every meal I ate my anorexia told me I should restrict but I didn't. I was extremely anxious about ordering a meal for my tea and my anorexia told me to just order a 'light meal' or 'entree' but I didnt. Instead I took I took a deep breath, dialled room service and ordered a full sized meal. My anorexia told me after every single bite that I had already eaten way too much and that I shouldnt eat anymore but I continued eating until it was all gone.

After tea, my anorexic thoughts told me I shouldnt eat as much dessert as I usually do as I had eaten more tea but I disregarded this thought as well. I knew that compensating for eating a larger meal by restricting in another would mean giving into my anorexia, which is something I do not want to do. Even now, after just finishing my hot chocolate I am feeling extremely anxious about what I have eaten today. I am also feeling quite sick which I think is due to the fact I have eaten so much tonight, as well as because I am feeling so anxious.

Tea: Grilled fish, Chips and salad

2 tubs of vanilla creamed rice, 1 diced pear and 1 tub of diced peaches 

Although I have had a hard day, I am not dissapointed in myself for having all of the Anorexic thoughts I did, as we can not control what thoughts we have. Something we should take responsibility for however is how we act upon these anorexic thoughts as that is something we are able to control. If I had given into all of the strong anorexic thoughts I had today, then I would have a reason to be dissapointed in myself, but I didn't and this is something I should be proud of. Today I chose recovery.

Although today has been a hard day, not once did I ever give up. Today I proved that I am stronger then my anorexia and that while it is very painful and difficult not to listen to your anorexic thoughts, it is possible.

Unfortunately recovery is painful but we all need to remember and believe that we are strong enough to get through it. And we must know that the reward at the end, to fully recover, is worth every bit of pain you may experience.

It is also important that you forgive yourself if your anorexic thoughts are ever too overpowering and manage to influence decisions or actions you make. These types of moments are almost inevitable in recovery and as we learn from them and continue to move forward, it is ok.

Remember that no matter what happens, if you are doing your absolute best, you are doing enough. As long as long as you are fighting your anorexia with all that you have, no matter what happens you should be proud of yourself.

A bad day at work

Yesterday, I had a really bad day at work. As I am still only in training at the bank, I usually spend a bit of time working on the counter and also a bit of time doing some online training courses. Yesterday I spent the whole day doing the online training courses as that is what the other lady I work with wanted me to do. Although I would prefer to do a bit of work on the counter as well, it didn't bother me that much as it meant I could get lots of my training out of the way,

What did bother me was the way the other lady spoke to me all day. She was bossy, inpatient and at times nasty. I couldn't explain why she was acting like this but it felt very personal, like she was mad at me for some reason. Especially since she was being really friendly and polite to the other staff member that was there.  I know that she could have personal stuff going on at home but I don't think that gives her any right to take it out on me.

By the end of the day I was too frightened to speak as I felt as though she would instantly jump down my throat and each time she snapped at me I felt really upset. At one moment I even had to hold back tears. Yesterday was the first day since starting my new job at the bank that I left feeling really down and flat. I really hope that things are better today, otherwise I may need to consider talking to my boss, as I don't think I could handle being treated that way, every single day I work. Today is a new day so I know that I need to forget about yesterday and turn up to work with a positive attitude that today WILL be better.

Lots of people wouldn't let what others say bother them but unfortunately I take things to heart very easily. I am a very sensitive person and when people treat me badly, I start feeling as though they are right and that I deserve it. I guess it is all to do with the lack of self respect and confidence that I have always had for myself which is also related to my anorexia. As I recover I want to learn to love myself for who I am and I know that this will require me to stop letting others bring me down and make me feel bad about myself. I wish I wasn't as sensitive to what others say but I also can't help the way I feel.

Does anybody have any advice about how to ignore hurtful comments instead of taking them to heart?