When people try to help you....

When I was at my sickest with anorexia, I wouldnt let anyone try and help me and if anyone tried to give me advice or help me in any way, I would get incredibely angry with them. The thing was, a lot of the time I knew what they were saying was right however it was just too hard for me to actually listen. I was living in denial I guess, and hated people telling me what I needed to do, even if I knew they were right.

This caused me to push away some of the people I was closest too, as I couldnt handle them trying to interfere with how I was living. I suppose the anger that came through was actually my anorexia, as my anorexia hated anyone who questioned my behaviours or told me to change. I wish now I had been more open about how I felt and had just explained to the people around me that although I knew what they were saying was right, it wasnt as simple as 'just doing' what they said I should do.

Afterall getting angry at the people I loved and pushing them away only made me feel more alone and helpless. So instead of just yelling and screaming when your loved one suggests you need to eat more or stop a behaviour. Try to talk to them about it rationally instead. Explain to them that you know they are right, but you just dont feel strong enough to actually do what they are telling you to do. Atleast then your loved ones will realise you arent just ignoring them and that you do understand what they are saying.

Even now, I still get quite agitated whenever someone questions what I eat or how much I exercise. Also, I get quite distraught when my boyfriend asks me if he can weigh me. I know that he only does this to make sure I havent lost weight and because he loves me but i still really struggle with it. Standing on the scale in front of someone causes me ALOT of anxiety and my instant reacyion when he asks to weigh me os to get angry. So i just have to be very careful not to get angry and to just remember that he only wants to make sure I am ok.

Whilst I was struggling with anorexia, I had a wonderful relationship with my dad however I had a terrible relationship with my mum. And I know that this is only because mum continued to try and help me, when I simply couldnt be helped. Also my mum couldnt contain her emotions or frustration so she expressed herself by getting angry, yelling and screaming. My dad however fortunately realised very early on that getting angry didnt help the situation, nor did telling what i needed to do. He realised that he couldnt really help me to get better, that i needed to get better myself and so he just let me know he was there for me, whilst I was doing that.

This post has ended up being a bit unorganized and I know I have rambled on a bit but I just wanted to share with you all how I coped when people tried to help me in recovery and the importance of being open with your loved ones about how you are feeling, instead of pushing your loved ones away.

Eating true recovery amounts

An important thing to remember whilst in recovery is that just eating 'normal amount' in not enough. When you need to gain weight and are trying to recover, you really do need to eat more then everyone else around you. While I know that recovery amounts of food are different for everyone, I thought I would remind you all what my intake looked like when I was in recovery and eating as much as 3200 calories per day. Looking back, I am so glad that I was strong enough to eat that amount as it has meant that my metabolism has repaired well and I have been able to reach a healthier weight and mindset relatively quickly.

Example one

Peanut butter on toast with creamy vanilla oats (prepared with milk) and topped with 1 sliced banana

1 banana Up and Go, 1 mandarin and 1 thick slice of jam sponge roll

2 crumpets with butter and vegemite, 1 banana and 1 chocolate snak Pack

1 bowl of grapes with vanilla yoghurt and 1 cookies and cream Kit Kat

Roasted duck breast and mashed potato and pumpkin with gravy and vegetables (carrot, peas and broccolli)

Hot Butterscotch Pudding with vanilla icecream

1 milky 'frothy classic' hot chocolate

Example 2

Morning Tea: 1 mandarin + 1 caramel Up and Go + 1 jam filled lamington

Lunch: 1 sandwhich made with two slices of wholemeal bread, butter, Belgium and tomato relish + 1 large apple + 1 full fat raspberry and white chocolate greek yoghurt

Afternoon Tea: fruit salad made with diced pineapple, cantelope and watermelon + 1 packet of rice crackers + 1 mint Aero chocolate bar

Tea: Chicken carbonara pasta + vegetables (corn on the cob, broccoli, brussel sprouts and baby peas

Dessert: 1 Nannas hot mini apple pie with a large scoop of vanilla icecream

Supper: 1 Hot chocolate made with 1 sachet of Jarrah frothy hot chocolate, boiling water and cold milk

Example 3

Apricot, almond and vanilla oats prepared with 3/4 cup of milk and topped with 1 small sliced banana and 2 slices of wholemeal toast with Maple nut spread

1 small serve of grapes, 1 caramel Up and Go and 3 macadamia and white chocolate chip cookies

1 cheese an delish sandwich, 1 large apple and 1 vanilla snak Pack custard tub 

1 tub of apple puree with creamy vanilla yoghurt and 1 violet crumble chocolate bar 

Chicken flavoured rice with extra boccoli, carrot and peas

1 large bowl of vanilla icecream topped with 1 crushed flake chocolate bar

1 frothy hot chocolate made with cold milk and boiling water

My shopping day

My mum picked me up at about 8:45 this morning so I had to get up at the normal time I would on a work morning, so that I could walk Tess and get ready. Although I was feeling a little down about my skin infection, I didn't want to let it ruin my day. Mum and I chatted all the way to Hobart which was nice and we got along well all day. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, only to be let down again but it looks as though things may be getting better between mum and I which I am glad about. Afterall she is my mum and I do care about her a lot.

I got heaps of shopping done which I am pleased about. I got everything I needed but now feel a little guilty as I have spent so much money. I know I shouldnt feel guilty as I only bought things I needed and I hardly ever buy myself nice things. First we went to a sports shop where I got a new pair of asics shoes, as my last pair are really warn out. I wanted the shoe I ended up with in some brighter colours but they only had it in the darker colours, which I still do like. I also got a bright pink thermal sports top which should keep me really warm while I walk Tess when it is freezing and also when I start running in the future, as I hope to do. I also got a really comfortable pair if black tracksuits that I really liked as well as 4 pairs of asics socks.

After spending way too much money at the sports shop, mum and I browsed in a few different shops before lunch. I bought two pairs of nice (adult sized) jeans which fitted me well, but still had a bit of room for when I gain a bit more weight as well as a nice cardigan. I bought a good vaccuum Cleaner that was on sale as well as a new dog bed for Tess. On our way home we did some grocery shopping and then got home at about 5:30 pm. I was starving so had a quick tea before taking Tess for a really quick walk.

I am feeling pretty exhausted as I have been up since about 3:30 this morning. I need to try ad get into a better sleeping pattern as at the moment I am so exhausted in the evenings so fall asleep as early as 8:30 some nights, but then I am awake early each morning. Tomorrow is my last chance to have a real rest day for a while though so I am going to make the most of it and do as little as possible, which will still involve walking Tess, tidying my house, cooking and also doing some study for my traineeship  assesment I have on Tuesday.

I hope that everyone has a fantastic weekend. Please try your best to keep believeing in and fighting for recovery! :) x Here are a few of todays meals;

Toast with cashew spread, Vanilla,Almond and apricot oats topped with 1 sliced banana

1 cheese and relish sandwich, 1 tub of apple puree and 1 tub of Vanilla LeRice 

1 Large apple, 1 apple juice and 1 marvelous creations chocolate bar

1 large bowl of vanilla icecream topped with 1 crushed flake

What is going on?

I was incrediebely shocked when I weighed myself this morning as my scales told me I had lost 500g since my last weigh in only 4 days ago. This makes no sence at all to me. Over the last few weeks, I have been consistantly gaining atleast 100g per day so to now start losing weight is a huge mystery. I have been eating the exact same amount and have not been doing any extra exercise so I really cant explain this dip in my weight. I know that I should not feel dissappointed in myself for this result as I havent done anything wrong and had no way of knowing it was happening.

It would have made more sense to me if I had started maintaining my weight, but to suddenly start losing weight, at the same rate I was previously gaining it is very strange. While I cant explain this weight loss, it still does not change the fact that it has happened and I therefore need to make some changes accordingly. Something we need to remember is that our bodies are not calculators or machines. We can never determine exactly what weight our bodies will gain or lose by consuming a certain amount of calories.

My anorexia is screaming at me that I dont need to make any changes as it must be some kind of mistake. It is telling me that perhaps the weightloss is only due to fluctuating water and fluid levels in my body. Or perhaps my scales are giving an innacurate reading as they occasionally have done in the past (although considering I got the same reading 10+ times, I doubt this very much). My anorexia could be right but by making no changes at all to my calorie intake, this would mean giving into my anorexia, which is something I know I cant do. Every time you give into one of your anorexic thoughts or demands, no matter how small it is, you are giving your anorexia strength.



So now I just need to decide on what changes I will make. Afternoon tea is probably the meal I feel as though I could increase as some of my calories are only made up from a drink. Perhaps instead of eating a medium piece of fresh fruit, Instead I can have a portion of dried fruit as dried fruit is something I enjoy and it is also much more calorie dense so I would not feel as though I was eating more. I will see how I go over the next 3 days and if I go back to gaining the same amount I was, (approximately 100g per day) I will keep eating this new intake amount. If I start gaining weight at an even faster rate, I may consider cutting back to my regular meal plan (without the driedfruit). Of course if I fail to gain enough weight or lose weight again I will know I need to make a more dramatic change to my intake.

What do you think about the weight loss I have experieced and the change I have decided to make?

Eating food with an unknown number of calories

It would be an understatement to say that I am terrified of eating foods that I have not prepared myself or that I can not calculate the approximate number of calories within. This is my biggest fear and will no doubt be the hardest thing for me to overcome whilst recovering.


When I know how many calories are in what I am eating, I feel as though I am in complete control of what I am eating. Surprisingly I do not only feel anxious that I may eat too many calories, I feel almost just as anxious that I may not eat enough. This is why I scrape food containers really well to make sure I get the entire contents out and why I always completely finish everything I have cooked and dished up on my plate.

This is also why I start panicking if I ever spill some of what I am eating as then I feel as though I have not eaten enough. For example if I was cooking oats in the microwave and they started to over flow a little, I would freak out that there would no longer be the right amount left in the bowl. Sometimes I would even start again with a completely new sachet of oats so that I know I am getting the right amount.

While needing to know the amount of calories in what I am eating is still a really big problem for me, I have made some progress with this in my recovery so far.  I no longer feel as though it is necessary for me to know the exact number of calories a meal or snack contains therefore do not feel the need to weigh everything I eat. Although it was painful to make this progress, I hope that with some more hard work I can continue to improve until eventually I dont feel the need to count calories at all.

I know it is not logical for me to be so scared of eating 'too much' whilst I am trying to gain weight but I still am, just as I am scared of eating too little. Its like not knowing what I am eating is what scares me as not knowing feels like losing control. I guess it makes sense that I am so scared of losing control of my food as it was the thing I chose to control when I felt as though I had no other control in my life.

I found the following article from this site sums up the relationship I developed with food due to my calorie counting really well so decided to share it with you. If you want to read more about reasons to stop calorie counting from this writer, follow the link I have provided above.

I used to count calories. It was part of my training as a dietitian – one of our homework assignments. It seemed everyone in my class was really good at it, like they had memorized the calorie content of a bunch of foods. I treated the project as more of an experiment. I mean, if this is what we’re supposed to have our patients do, I should be able to do it.

The funny thing is, the more I counted calories, the less I was paying attention to the food in front of me. It was like looking at a spreadsheet on a plate. All you see is numbers.

I’d choose the less tasty entree because it was lower in calories, even if it didn’t sound appealing. If I got hungry after the meal, I’d second guess myself. “But I ate 700 calories!? That should be enough!”

It was like a battle between the calculator and my stomach. The calculations said I needed a certain amount of calories per day. If I went over, it was a “bad” day. If I went under, it was an excuse to eat junk food. I’d think to myself, “Well, these chocolates are only 90 calories…”

I’ll admit, I failed miserably at counting calories and gave up within a few weeks. I never really enjoyed it and I felt restricted, like I was going to develop disordered eating. I questioned the accuracy of all the calculations. There are a number of formulas to choose from and they all give you different answers. I couldn’t memorize the nutrition facts like my classmates, and frankly, I got tired of feeling like I belonged in the remedial nutrition class

What I ate today

Toast with peanut butter and oats prepared with milk and topped with banana

1 vanilla up and go and 3 macadamia and white choc chip cookies

1 cheese and relish sandwhich (which I toasted at work), 1 large pear and 1 chocolate snak Pack 

Apple puree with vanilla yoghurt and 1 bounty chocolate bar

Creamy chicken carbonara, corn on the cob, peas and carrots

Hot lemon sponge pudding with vanilla icecream

One white hot chocolate

Insomnia and Anorexia

I suffered from insomnia back when I was completely starving myself and trying to lose weight as well as in the more recent past when I was eating quite a bit, but obviously still not enough. The information explains why I am finally starting to sleep better now that I have significantly increased my intake and now that I am providing my body and mind with enough energy to truly repair and recover. 

I used to wake up early of a morning (like 2am) with a strange feeling which was a bit like hunger. After waking I could never fall back to sleep until after I had breakfast at at about 5am. I know now that it was my body trying to tell me that it was trying to repair and although I was eating quite a lot at that time, it still needed more energy. Now, I am eating a lot more food so my body can repair properly and I eat something just before going to bed so I no longer wake in the night unable to get back to sleep hungry.

I  found the following information from this site really interesting as it kind of explains why I have suffered from insomnia throughout my eating disorder;

How Insomnia and Anorexia Come Together

Insomnia involves difficulty falling or staying asleep. It is one of the most common complaints heard by medical professionals. It can come with some serious side effects or it can be a serious side effect of another potential life-threatening condition. Anorexia is an eating disorder in which the patient either severely restricts the intake of food or goes on a binge and then purges himself or herself after the binge. With either method presenting itself, there are dangers involved. Besides noticing extreme weight loss, there are other physical symptoms present and insomnia is at the top of the list. Anorexia and insomnia can take over your life.

How They are Linked

The brain is a complex machine, but it is also very primitive in some of its functions. Some of these mechanisms are activated when the body and brain reach "starvation mode." Finding food becomes the number one priority, everything else falls by the wayside. It even takes priority over sleep; therefore, the body gets less of a chance to do so. Trying to sleep can also be uncomfortable. The body of the anorexic has changed and it might not feel comfortable doing what it did before.

Lion on the Savannah

If you are always hungry, then your body may not be able to think about anything else. Think of it this way: you are a lion on the savannah. You might be asleep, but looking for your next kill, constantly thinking about your next meal. When you are underweight because of the anorexia, your body cannot get proper rest. It is concentrated on finding the next meal. Your body is full of adrenaline, looking for its next fresh kill.

The following information was sourced from here and explains why You need lots of energy throughout the night as well as why I am now able to sleep through the night since starting to eat more and now that I am eating closer to bed time.

Eat right before bed
A lot of our healing, repair and regeneration takes place while we sleep. It’s like rush hour for building muscle and lean tissue, so eating a healthy snack right before bed ensures a fresh supply of nutrients that are available to “go to work” inside the body. A great option that won't leave you feeling stuffed might be a small bowl of pasta saladmade with 100 percent whole-grain pasta (wheat or a gluten-free alternative), vinaigrette made with extra-virgin olive oil, chopped or shredded veggies, and a lean protein such as beans, chopped chicken breast or an organic crumbled cheese. 

So to make sure I have a good nights sleep tonight, I have eaten lots of yummy foods to ensure that I my body has enough energy to get me through the night. I try to eat nice balanced meals so that I am providing my body with all of the nutrients it needs. These photos are of my Tea and dessert tonight :)

Cheesy beef lasagna with corn, carrot and peas

Hot lemon pudding with vanilla icecream

Todays food intake

Breakfast; creamy vanilla oats topped with 1 small banana and two slices of wholemeal toast with Cashew butter

Morning Tea: 1 banana Up and Go and 1 chocolate muffin

lunch: 1 Belgium and tomato Relish sandwich, 1 cup of grapes and 1 full fat Raspberry and white chocolate yoghurt

Afternoon Tea: 1 fruit box, 1 apple and 1 chocolate bar

Tea: Spaghetti bolognese, mashed potato and peas

Dessert: 1 hot apple pie with vanilla icecream