Making mistakes on my blog

This is a really random post, but it is just something I have been thinking about a little lately so I thought I would write a post about it.

I know that some of my posts have typos in them and this may be due to me being in a hurry when I write/publish my posts and therefore may not have enough time to thouroughly proof read them. My keyboard is also quite dodgy so as I am typing, it does not always register when I push each letter, which is why lettters are sometimes missed out from the middles of some of my words. The other reason why I make typos is because... I am human.

I thought that this was a really important point to make as it leads to the simple truth that nobody is perfect and that everybody makes mistakes. It is hard for me when I notice typos in old posts and sometimes I fix them when I see them. Othertimes, if there are just one or two tiny mistakes, I just leave them.

This may seem strange but I actually do this for two reasons. The first reason is because I am working on my perfectionism and find that this really helps me to let go of that unrealistic expectation of myself to be perfect all of the time. While not every post I publish is perfect (far from it in fact) I am still proud of each post as they each depict something that is very important to me.

The other reason I do not always fix typos that I notice is because I want to remind you, as my readers that no one is perfect. The fact that you keep reading my blog, despite my typos ttells me that you are willing to accept me as a person whether I am perfect or not. So i you are willing to accept me even when I am not perfect, you should also be willing to accept yourself too.

I also know that my punctuation is not perfect and I may not be the best writer around but I think that what I write is real and I think that most people will be able to relate to me better if they just see me as a normal every day girl. I am not an author or a professional writer, I am just a girl with a blog! To me, my blog is like a journal or diary and if I changed the way that I write, I would no longer feel as though it was 'mine'.

I have noticed people correct other blog authors on their blogs when they make typos or spelling mistakes and can I just take the chance to thank all of my readers for never doing this to me. I know I make mistakes but really appreciate the fact that yor never point them out to me. I find that if other people expect me to be perfect, my perfectionism gets worse and that is obviouslly then somplete opposite of what I want  to achieve right now.

Please remember that nobody is perfect. You should not expect yourself to be perfect and nobody should expect you to be perfect either. We are all human and make mistakes sometimes. As long as we learn from the big mistakes we make, then it is ok to make them. And you will most likely find that little mistakes we make, dont really matter at all.

Realising what really matters

Growing up, I worried way too much about what other people thought of me and used the way I looked to determine my self worth. I felt so terrible about myself before I got anorexia and hated myself, only because I was not super skinny. I can now see that the way I felt was completely wrong as there are so many other things that are so much more important in determining your self worth.

I remember when I was about 10 years old, I actually asked my dad if he would still love me if I was fat. My dad of course told me that he would still love me and that it was silly of me to ask such a thing but I still didn't believe him. I honesty felt like I would be unlovable if I was not skinny. I think it is so sad that I had these beliefs and to this day I will never truly understand why I placed so much importance in the way that I looked.

I spent so many years of my life hating who I was a trying to change myself all because I wasn't as skinny as I would have liked. It did not matter that I was smart, kind, caring and understanding, I still hated myself as I wasn't skinny enough. Isuppose that this is because I was a perfectionist and felt as though I needed to be perfect. It is really strange that I felt this way and most of my childhood memories are actually about comments different people made about my weight.

I do not remember any of the nice things people ever said too me, I just remember when people commented on my appearance in ways that I didn't like. For example, I remember a boy telling me my bum was big in year 6 and I also remember my uncle telling me my legs were getting 'fatter'. I suppose that the reasons these types of comments stuck in my head more clearly than any others is because I did care way too much about how others saw me and my body.

Now I have learnt that the way I look or how much I weigh is not what should determine how I feel about myself, I am starting to accept myself for who I am and I no longer hate myself like I once did. I am also starting to realise that if people judge me on my appearance, then I dont really want to associate with them anyway. I know that the typesof people who I want to have in my life will not judgr me in this way and that I therefore should not care what others think.

I still get the same thoughts sometimes, however whenever I do I just quickly remind myself that the way I look is not what truly matters and neither is what others think. It is hard to tell myself this sometimes and I do find myself still worrying about what other people think of me but I will continue working on this so that I can accet myself for who I really am and so that I can stay happy and healthy.

Accepting yourself for who you are

I am forgetful.
I talk too much sometimes.
I am a perfectionist.
I find it hard to make friends.
I have an hour glass figure.
I am not naturally super skinny.
I get pimples sometimes.
I dont always like the way my hair looks.
I have bad body image days.
I make mistakes.
I need to learn to listen more.
I will always have a bigger bum then I would like.
I have ligamentous laxity.
I have scars all over my body.
I have anxiety.
I find it hard to trust people.

I am not perfect.
I know nobody is.
I don't need to be perfect.
I just need to be me.

How bad body image contributed to my eating disorder

My body image issues started long before I ever developed anorexia. When I was really young, I was really quite thin and I was therefore confident in my body. As I got older, the first thing I started to hate about myself was my bum. I hated it and thought that it was way to big and I soon started to feel this way about my legs too.

There was nothing unhealthy about my body at that stage and I was still thinner than most other girls my age. However I think that the reason I didn't like it, was because I would compare myself to my brothers who were both skinny. I wanted to have no bum and skinny thighs like they had but now I can obviously see that boys and girls are built differently and are not suppoed to look the same.

As I got even older and went through puberty I developed a real hour glass figure. I had a very thin waist, which probably indicates that I was in fact healthy however my breasts got bigger, as did my bum and legs. My legs were never really fat, however they were very musclar which I still hated. At first I did not let my insecurities bother me and I just continued to live normally.

Eventually however I felt so awful about the way I looked that I coldn't ignore the way I felt about my body anymore. When I was in year 12 at boarding school, my bathroom had a full length mirror in it so I would see my whole body before I got into the shower each day and I hated every part of it. I started to get acne which just made me even more depressed and self conscious and the only way I thought I could make myself happy was by losing weight.

I think lots of things contributed to my bad body image. I think it was partly due to the fact that Iam a perfectionist and therefore was not happy with my body as I didn't believe it was perfect, as well as the fact that Iwas at a very athletic school where everyone seemed to be a lot skinnier than me. The fact that the boys in my family constantly teased me about my weight also made me more self conscious and of course the media affected me also.

Knowing what I now know, I so desperately wish I could turn back time as I know that losing weight was not going to solve any of my problems. I was a perfectly healthy weight and had no need to lose any weight. The problem was not with my body, but the way that I felt about it. Instead of deciding to lose the weight I didn't like, I wish I had decided to instead put more energy into learning to accept and love my body, the way it was supposed to be.

The importance of good Body image

I honestlly think that developing  a positive self body image is essential in order to make a full recovery from anorexia. I believe that we must not only become weight restored in order to recover, but that we must also learn to love our bodies at that new weight, in order to live the happy andd healthy lives that we all deserve to live.

Firstly, I think that it is necessay for us all to truly believe that we do not need to be skinny to be beautiful. In fact, being thin does not make us look attractive at all if we are not naturally suppposed to be that way. The way our anorexia will make us look is not beautiful at all and it also doesnt make us happy, so why should we put ourselves through so much pain to achieve this thinness?

I think that if you asked anyone (who wasn't anorexic) who was more attractive in this picture, they would say the girl on the right. I think that the girl on the right so much more gorgeous and f I had to choose a girl I had to look like, I would choose the girl on the right for sure!  

I have always had an unrealistic expectation of myself to be really thin, which I suppose is due to me being such a perfectionist. I think that society made me believe that fat was bad and therefore I didn't want to have any on my body at all. So even if I only had a tiny bit in a cerain place, I wasn't happy. Even when I was literally skin and bone I would still find parts of my body that I thought were too big. 

Everytime I start feeling 'fat' or self conscious, I always remind myself that this is only my anorexia lying to me. There is nothing wrong with the way I now look, besides the fact that I still need to gain more weight. I certainly am not fat in any way. We need to remember that there is nothing wrong with having some fat on our bodies, in fact it is essential. 

While I do not struggle with terriblly bad body image at the moment, I know hat I will struggle with it more an dmore the closer I get to my natural set point weight. I am determined however to not let this stop me from becoming the size I am supposed to be, so that my body and mind can work efficiently and healthily. Once I reach this weight I may hate it for a while but I WILL NOT try to fix this by losing weight again. Instead I will try and change the way I feel about my body.

To me, recovering does not only mean reaching my healthy natural weight. It also means being able to look in the mirror at that weight and to be happy with what I see. When I am recovered I will be able truly appreciate all of the wonderful things my body can do for me. feeling self conscious about your body sometims is normal for everyone, but the key is to learn not to act upon these feelings by changing the way we look. 

So if you are struggling with your body image, I suggest making your ultimate recovery goal to not only reach a healtthy weight FOR YOU. But also to learn to love yourself at this weight. As only then will you be able to be truly happy and healthy!  

Obsessive compulsive chewing

Something that I even did before I ever got sick, but has definetely got worse since developing anorexia, is the obsessive way I chew food. I always make sure I eat the exact same amount of food on the left side of my mouth, as I do the right side. For example while eating grapes, I pick out two grapes that are exactely the same size and eat one on the left and then one on the right side of my mouth. If I am left with 1 grape, I will bite it in half and chew half of it on either side of my mouth. I really dont know why I do this but I just feel as though I need to balance things out, so that things can be perfectly even. Perhaps this habit of mine actually has more to do with the fact that I am a perfectionist, rather then my actual anorexia.


I know that it is common for anorexics to develop weird habits whilst they eat but what I think is strange is the fact that I have done this with some foods for as long as I can remember. I have always done it whilst eating rice crackers or chips as well as pieces of breakfast cereal. However it is only since I got sick that I have started doing it with practically every food I eat.




Also, even now I still love eating all food with little forks and teaspoons which is a common anorexic behaviour however I have always done this ever since I was a child, long before I ever got anorexia. I would be really interested to know whether or not any other people suffering from anorexia have the same chewing habit as me or even one similar. Sometimes I wish I could just eat without thinking about it but I have been doing it for so long now that i do it even without thinking about it. Does anyone else have any tips about how to overcome behaviours like these? Do you think it is necessary to try and over come habits like these?

Perfectly Imperfect

I hate it how society makes us think that we need to be different to who we really are, especially in regards to how we look. Every second add on television or in magazines tells us that we need to be thinner, prettier, more toned, fitter etc. We feel as though we need to try and look perfect, even though there really is no such thing as being perfect. 

Society starts to make us feel this way from an extremely young age. I remember playing with barbie dolls and thinking how beautiful they were. Now I can see a barbie doll figure for what it truly is, impossible and completely unrealistic. But at the time, it was painting a picture in my mind of what you had to look like so that you can be beautiful. 

I honestly think they should change barbie dolls so they look real

Thinking back to any movies or tv programs I watched growing up, all of the girls seemed so thin and perfect. They always had perfect skin, perfect hair and perfect figures but now I know that they are no more perfect then anyone else in this world. Everyone in this world is beautiful no matter what they look like. Those stars would have had pimples and bad hair days too, the only difference is that the stars have stylists there to make them look perfect even when they weren't. 

I think it is so sad that we feel as though we need to cover every blemish with makeup before we go out in public. So what if someone can see that we have a pimple or two. This does not mean anything other than that we aren't perfect which is exactly how we are supposed to be, we are all only human afterall. In modern day society everone is so quick to judge others on how they look but this is so wrong. How we look does not say anything about who we are inside, which is what is the most importartant thing anyway.

The following photos I took of myself this morning on the beach. I have no makeup on and my hair is completely natural. I may not look 'perfect' but I am perfectly imperfect. This is me, the real me and the me I like the most :)

Day 12: what are 3 things you would like to change about yourself.

I wish that I could be more confident in myself so that I could stop doubting everything I do. This occurs no matter what I am doing, whether I am serving a customer at work or leaving the house to take my dog for a walk. For example, after I serve a customer at the bank, I start doubting myself even if I have been given absolutely no reason to do so. Suddenly I begin to panic that I may not have entered the correct value into the computer or that I could have given out the wrong amount of money and I will not be satisfied that I didnt make any mistakes until the end of the night when my computer terminal balances and I have no funds outstanding. It is also common for me to feel the need to go back and check that all my powerpoints are turned off and that the door to my wood fire is definetely closed numerous times whenever I leave the house. Of course, everytime I go back I always find that everything is just as it should be but as soon as I think of any possibility of what I may have done wrong, I instantly start convincing myself that it is true.

I wish that I could stop worrying about food, calories, exercise and weight. I really do wish that I could just go back to the time in my life when I still didnt know what a calorie was. I wish I could still eat a meal without thinking about how many calories it contains as well as how eating that meal will effect my weight. If someone gave me the option of wiping my memory from the last 5 years, I would definetely do it, just so I could rid myself of the knowledge I have developed about calories and food. Afterall, It was only about 4 or 5 years ago that I never worried about what I ate at all.

I distinctly remember something a boy said as we were making our lunches one day at the boarding house. As I was making myself a wrap, the boy said to me, 'you are like the only girl I know who doesnt care about what you eat.' I looked around the room and realised that most of the girls were filling their wraps with healthy fresh salads however I didnt feel like salad. I felt like chicken, cheese and BBQ sauce, so that is exactly what I had. He wasnt being awful or anything, he was just pointing out the fact that I never thought about what I ate, and he was completely right. If I felt like something, I ate it no matter how healthy or unhealthy it was. I wish so much that I could go back to having this relationship with food again.

I wish I didn't have such high expectations of myself all the time. If I wasn't as much of a perfectionist my life could have been very different. I would have better self confidence and better self esteem as I wouldn't have spent my whole life feeling like a failure in everything I did. I would have been able to study and still have a balanced and healthy life as I wouldnt have felt the need to study every minute of everyday to try and get perfect marks. I probably would have never become so unhappy with how I looked and therefore would not have felt the need to start trying to lose weight.

Even now, expecting so much of myself all the time still effects my life Significantly. I find myself being too frightened to try new things that I dont think I will be able to do perfectly, as I know I will only end up feeling like a failure. I now realise that nobody is perfect and that I shouldnt expect as much of myself. It is a part of my personality however and I dont think I can really change this completely. I can however try to use it as a poitive thing instead of a distructive personality trait.

Why I can't study

Lately, alot of the posts I have been reading have been from other bloggers who are studying either at school, college or university. As I read about what others are doing in terms of studying, it makes me feel like a bit of a failure as I wasn't able to continue studying. While I always did well at school, studying is not something that is good for my health and happiness which are what I should be focusing on right now. As a perfectionist, my body is not the only thing that I always wanted to be perfect. I also expected to perform perfectly academically. Through out college and also while I was at university I got wonderful results but this was not due to natural ability. It was due to me spending every minute of every day studying.

Last year I started university in a challenging Bachelor of Biotechnology and medical research course. I loved what I was learning and I got high distictions and distinctions in all of my units but I was very unhappy. I had no balance in my life and would feel extremely guilty if I ever did anything except for study. I stopped going to my lectures as I preffered to stay home and work through the recordings. This meant that I could take more detailed notes. It would take me atleast two and a half hours to get through a 45 minute lecture and I had like 12 lectures a week to get through so obviously this took up alot of my time. I also had 4 three hour laboratory practicals that I was required to attend on campus at the university each week. Besides this I obviously had assignments and tests/exams to study for as well.

I was so obsessed with studying all the time that I even did voice recording of me reading out notes so that I could listen to them when I went for a walk each day as otherwise I would feel too guilty about stopping studying for a hour or so. I would wake up at 5:30 everyday and study from 6:00 am until like 10:00 each night. I was absalutely miserable and barely had any contact with other people at all. I was living at a university 'college' where I had my own tiny room with shared bathroom and kitchen facilities but I barely ever left my room. I had to move to a city to go to university but never made it home to see my family as I always felt as though I had too much studying to do. I suppose it was a combination of both my anxiety and perfectionism that made me take such an extreme approach to my studies.

Occasionslly after a full day of studying on the weekends I would reward myself with watching a movie before bed and at my meal times throughout the day I would always stop studying to watch a little bit of television to give myself a little break but I really didn't have a life. I barely enjoyed these breaks I would give myself though as I would feel guilty for not studying the whole time. I wasn't really losing weight but I was underweight and had lots of anorexic thoughts and behaviours. I was extremely lonely and unhppy living that way and decided that I couldn't go on like that. I decided to try teaching as I knew I could do this university course completely online while living at home with my family. I thought that if I was living at home I would be able to have a more balanced life and I also thought that as Teaching is a less demanding course, I would have more time to to do other things besides study.

For a while I was happier doing my teaching course but eventually I found myself in the exact same position I was in earlier that year in the harder university course. I soon realised that it didn't make any difference what I was studying, I would still put the same amount of pressure on myself. I stayed in my room almost all day everyday studying, just like I had when I was living in the city studying and had no interests or hobbies besides my school  work. I ended up really depressed and unhappy and had a bit of a breakdown. I wanted my life to change but didn't know how I could make it happen. My parents both encourages me to keep going with university but the thought of living the way I was for another 4 yeas until I graduated made me feel sick.

I went to my local GP and explained to her how I was feeling and she said that it seemed quite obvious to her that I needed to stop studying. She explained to me that just because I was 'good' at studying, didn't mean I should stay doing it if it meant sacrificing my health and happiness. It was scary for me to be stopping doing university as I didn't really have any other plan about what to do with my life and had never considered not going to university to further my education while I was growing up. Originally, It had been my dream to study Veterinary Science at university which is one of the hardest courses, along with human medicine, to be accepted into. I guess that having such high dreams is what initially made me put so much pressure on myself in highschool so that I could become a vet.

I was actually accepted into veterinary science the year after I finished college, based on my college results but I decided not to accept the offer. I had only just been discharged from hospital a few months earlier and my mind was not in a good place. I would have needed to move to a whole new state which scared me and after working so hard in years 11 and 12, I didn't feel as though I could go straight back to studying so soon. I was now having doubts about whether Veterinary Science was actually what I wanted to do anyway so I decided to take a 12 month gap year so I could take some time to think about what it was I wanted to do with my life. I never even considered the prospect of not returning to university. Not because I desperately wanted to go to uni but more because I felt as though it was an expectation everyone had of me.

I was terrified to tell my parents my desicion and I was worried about dissapointing them but I couldn't continue living the way I was just to make them happy. My GP could see that I was worried about telling my parents my decision and offered to have a talk to my parents with me. She explained to them that I was not just giving up or choosing to stop studying, but that I was no longer capable of studying. We agreed that while it was possible I would be healthy enough to study sometime in the future, I simply could not cope with study at that time. So I did not complete the first semester of my teaching degree. It was now September 2014 and I decided to apply at university to do nursing the following year just so that I could keep my options open. I had been very interested in nursing ever since spending 6 weeks as an inpatient on the childrens ward and I was excited that it could lead to a career where I could help people suffering from eating disorders one day.

My parents weren't thrilled about my desicion to stop uni, especially my mum but I needed to start looking after myself. I started working at the local IGA full time which I knew did not have the best career outlook. I saw it as a temporary job that would allow me to earn some money while I thought about what to do next with my life. It was good for me to work as it got me out of the house and socialising with lots of people. I felt the happiest I had in a long time and started to look after myself better in regards to my eating. When I was acccepted into uni to do nursing, I hoped that I could do uni part time so that I could continue working as I thought that this would allow me to continue living in my home town and to have a healthier, more balanced life. Unfortunately part time uni was not an option for students enrolled in a bachelor of nursing.

I talked to my dad first and he instantly said that I wasn't ready to go back to uni and that it would be such a shame to see me unhappy again after me finally getting back on track. He said that I should deffer uni for another 12 months so that I could make sure I was ready before going back to studying. I really appreciated the fact that my dad was being so understanding and supportive and it made my desicion so much easier. I have so much respect for my dad and I would have found it very hard to not go along with his wishes if he had told me he though I should go straight back to uni. I explained the situation to mum and she was surprisingly understanding as well and was just happy that I had some type of plan for my future.

After working for a few months at the IGA, I was approached by a member of staff at the local community bank who told me about a job opening for a trainee. I was very interested as I thought that it could be the perfect job for me so I dropped my resumee into the bank. What excited me about this job is the fact that it would allow me to have a good career without having to study at university and without having to move away from my hometown. The bank were very impressed with my resumee and after a quick chat I was offered a traineeship with them which I accepted with no hesitation at all. While I still work a little bit at the IGA, I work three days a week at the bank. So far I am loving my job and still have so much to learn but I am becoming more confident everyday. I just need to remember to believe in myself and to try not let my anxiety take over which results in me doubting myself.

So while I may not be capable of studying at university right now, I am the happiest and healthiest I have been in a very long time which is great. I have just started a new job which will eventually lead to a great career, which allows me to stay in my hometown with my family for the rest of my life if that is what I wish to do. The option of studying will always be there in the future if  I ever feel as though I want to go back to university, but for now I am doing what is right for me.

For all of those getting stressed about their academic assesments at the moment, I want to say congratulations for having the strength to continue studying even though it is hard. As long as you believe in yourselves, I am sure you will be succesful in anything you put your mind and heart into. Im not encouraging you to give up when things get hard at all but always remember that there are other options besides studying. Studying is important and a great thing to do, but only if you are well enough to do it. If you are like me and can't cope with the stress of studying at this time of your life, don't feel guilty about considering a change from studying, sometimes you need to put your health and happiness first. The option to study will always be there in the future, when you are ready. :)

Nobody is perfect

I have always expected myself to be perfect. I wanted to  look perfect, I wanted to behave perfectly and I couldn't be proud of myself if I was ever anything less then perfect.  I remember coming home from school In year 6 and crying to my mum because I had only received an A for my project and not an A+ and I also remember having to hold back tears each time I got into trouble at school, as the disappointment I had in myself for not acting perfectly was so overwhelming. As a child I was incapable of lying, even about silly non Important things as the guilt I would feel was far too much for me to bare.

It was clear to everyone around that I had very high expectations of myself. I was the only student who did extra school work and studied in my own time and the teachers were constantly praising me and giving me awards for my work ethic. The other students at school called me teachers pet, nerd and goody two shoes which I hated at the time but in a way they were right. I never got in trouble as I never misbehaved, I got top marks in each class and the teachers did love me as they thought I was a model student. For most of my teenage years I focused this perfectionism on my school work and behavior. My parents got so used to be acting 'perfectly' that they began to expect me to be perfect as well. This just made me more determined to try to be perfect so I could please them as well as myself.

This photo was taken on the last day of year 10. If you hadn't allready picked me out, I am the girl sitting right In the middle with the cap on sensibly sitting and smiling. I was too embarrassed to pull a silly face as I didn't want to draw attention to myself .

Something I now realise, but failed to see throughout my child hood is that nobody is perfect. By trying to be perfect all the time you are setting yourself up to fail as you are striving for something that is impossible . I would punish myself for not being perfect and had no self confidence. I stopped believing in myself and disliking myself as I thought I was a failure. When I started disliking my body in my late teens, I tried to change it to what I considered to be perfect. I wanted to be skinny and believed that if I could achieve this I would finally be able to love myself.

This is me (in the purple dress) At my year 12 ball. This was when I was desperately trying to lose weight. I had a meltdown just before the ball and didn't want to go as I truly believed that I looked terrible. Looking back at this photo it makes so sad as I can now see that I actually looked really nice.

I will always be a perfectionist as it is a part of who I am. I can't change my personality so need to learn to live with it while still managing to be healthy and happy. As I continue to recover and gain weight I know that I will at times feel insecure about my body and that's Okay. I can't stop these insecurities from  arising but I can control the way I deal with them. I need to recognize when I am expecting to much of myself and remind myself about what truly matters. At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what size your jeans are or whether you are the skinniest at the part. Those things should not indicate a person's worth. As I recover I need to learn to love myself for who I truly am. In fact I know that this is essential for me to recover.

While I was developing my eating disorder, I had no confidence or faith in myself. This was how my anorexia crept it's way in and took over so easily. My anorexia also used my lack of self respect against me while I was sick to manipulate me and make me hate myself even more. I can't gain this sense of self love overnight but I believe that I have the ability to gain it as I continue on my recovery journey. Every time I start feeling insecure or doubting myself I plan to remind myself that I should not expect myself to be perfect as perfection doesn't exist. While not everything about me may be wonderful, plenty about me is. Sometimes I will make mistakes and that's fine too. It doesn't make me a failure, just human.