Nobody is perfect

I have always expected myself to be perfect. I wanted to  look perfect, I wanted to behave perfectly and I couldn't be proud of myself if I was ever anything less then perfect.  I remember coming home from school In year 6 and crying to my mum because I had only received an A for my project and not an A+ and I also remember having to hold back tears each time I got into trouble at school, as the disappointment I had in myself for not acting perfectly was so overwhelming. As a child I was incapable of lying, even about silly non Important things as the guilt I would feel was far too much for me to bare.

It was clear to everyone around that I had very high expectations of myself. I was the only student who did extra school work and studied in my own time and the teachers were constantly praising me and giving me awards for my work ethic. The other students at school called me teachers pet, nerd and goody two shoes which I hated at the time but in a way they were right. I never got in trouble as I never misbehaved, I got top marks in each class and the teachers did love me as they thought I was a model student. For most of my teenage years I focused this perfectionism on my school work and behavior. My parents got so used to be acting 'perfectly' that they began to expect me to be perfect as well. This just made me more determined to try to be perfect so I could please them as well as myself.

This photo was taken on the last day of year 10. If you hadn't allready picked me out, I am the girl sitting right In the middle with the cap on sensibly sitting and smiling. I was too embarrassed to pull a silly face as I didn't want to draw attention to myself .

Something I now realise, but failed to see throughout my child hood is that nobody is perfect. By trying to be perfect all the time you are setting yourself up to fail as you are striving for something that is impossible . I would punish myself for not being perfect and had no self confidence. I stopped believing in myself and disliking myself as I thought I was a failure. When I started disliking my body in my late teens, I tried to change it to what I considered to be perfect. I wanted to be skinny and believed that if I could achieve this I would finally be able to love myself.

This is me (in the purple dress) At my year 12 ball. This was when I was desperately trying to lose weight. I had a meltdown just before the ball and didn't want to go as I truly believed that I looked terrible. Looking back at this photo it makes so sad as I can now see that I actually looked really nice.

I will always be a perfectionist as it is a part of who I am. I can't change my personality so need to learn to live with it while still managing to be healthy and happy. As I continue to recover and gain weight I know that I will at times feel insecure about my body and that's Okay. I can't stop these insecurities from  arising but I can control the way I deal with them. I need to recognize when I am expecting to much of myself and remind myself about what truly matters. At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what size your jeans are or whether you are the skinniest at the part. Those things should not indicate a person's worth. As I recover I need to learn to love myself for who I truly am. In fact I know that this is essential for me to recover.

While I was developing my eating disorder, I had no confidence or faith in myself. This was how my anorexia crept it's way in and took over so easily. My anorexia also used my lack of self respect against me while I was sick to manipulate me and make me hate myself even more. I can't gain this sense of self love overnight but I believe that I have the ability to gain it as I continue on my recovery journey. Every time I start feeling insecure or doubting myself I plan to remind myself that I should not expect myself to be perfect as perfection doesn't exist. While not everything about me may be wonderful, plenty about me is. Sometimes I will make mistakes and that's fine too. It doesn't make me a failure, just human.