Weigh in wednesday and ANGI update

I have been a bit nervous leading up to today as it was my first weigh in since last Wednesday when I significantly increased my calorie intake. I have been nervous about weighing in today for a couple of reasons. Firstly, while I am determined to recover and want it more than anything else, I am still struggling with the idea  of gaining weight sometimes. Well I suppose it is my anorexia that is uncomfortable about it and I have been worried that I had gained a lot of weight and that I would freak out when I saw it. As silly as it sounds, I have also felt worried because I was scared I may have maintained my weight and not gained anything at all. If this was the case I truly would feel as though I had let myself as well as the people who read my blog down. So I have had really mixed feelings over the last week. Part of me wanted to gain weight as I know that it is essential for my recovery and the anorexic part of me didn't want me to gain weight.

I held my breath this morning as I stepped on the scales and was really happy when I saw that I had...... GAINED HALF A KILO. Not only was I over the moon that I had gained weight, I was also excited because for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was actually happy about gaining weight. This goes to show just how much my mind set really has changed in the past little while. I know that as my weight increases more and more, gaining weight will become much more difficult for me to deal with but all I can do is take each day as it comes. 

Since seeing I had gained weight this morning, I expected my anorexic thoughts to be really strong throughout the day and I expected to feel as though I should compensate in some way by restricting or exercising but I can honestly say that this has not been the case at all. I think that the healthy rational part of me was just so thrilled that I had gained weight and that I haven't let anybody down that not even my anorexia could make me feel bad about myself. This was one achievement that I was not going to let my anorexia stop me from feeling happy about. I honestly think that all the extra food I am eating is what is making the non-anorexic part of me so strong. While I haven't always believed it in the past, I really do think it is true what they say, that food is medicine for someone suffering from anorexia. Since I have gained half a kilo this week, I am not increasing my calories this week but if I find that my weight does not continue to increase at a similar rate over the next week, I will have to increase my intake again next wednesday.

I went to my GP today and got blood drawn for the ANGI study I am particpiating in. ANGI stands for Anorexia Nervosa Genetics Initiative and is a study that I am really glad to be a part of. For anyone who hasn't heard of ANGI, you can read an earlier post I wrote about it here. You may even find that the country you live in is taking part in this study too and you may be able to participate as well if you have Anorexia. As I said in the last post I wrote about it, I am really passionate about the relationship between genetics and Anorexia as various family members of mine have suffered from it. While most studies that have been done in the past have investigated how environemntal factors influence wether or not someone develops anorexia, I honestly do believe that there are genetic factors that play a role in the development of the disease in individuals. Out of curiosity, do any of the people out there reading this with anorexia have loved ones that have also suffered from the same illness?