Food guilt

Over the last few weeks, I have really noticed just how little guilt I am beginning to feel over food. I was always far too frightened to eat anything spontaneously or unplanned as I knew how guilty I would feel but I can honestly say, even though I have been doing this a lot lately, I have not been feeling any guilt.

I have been snacking on little thinks like grapes, lollies and small chocolate pieces throughout the day on top of my regular intake and it honestly doesn't worry me that I am eating extra. I have finally realised that food is not something tobe frightened of or that can hurt me. It is just a normal part of life that we really dont need to think so much about.

I have always felt guilty for eating when I am not really hungry but luckily this way of thinking is starting to dissappear also. There is nothing wrong with eating sometimes, even when you dont feel hungry but instead for other reasons. For example you may just want to eat something to be sociable, because it tastes good or because you feel like it.

For years food is something that has been very closely associated with guilt for me but I am so happy that this is no longer the case. Feeling guity all the time over food is wrong and I highly reccommend you try to overcome this, as I am starting to do. Even though I still have a long way to go before eating is completely guilt free to me, I can already see the difference that the progress I have made is making to my happiness and my recovery.

A strange feeling

Over the last few days, I have had a really strange feeling that I cant even really explain. It is similar to how I feel when I am really anxious about something or if I feel guilty about something. This is really strange as I dont really have anything in particular to feel anxious or guilty about. It is also similar to how I used to feel leading up to a test or exam when I was at university or if I was about to swim in a race when I was younger however I really dont have anything to be nervous or worried about either.

It is causing me to get a tightness in my chest or a knot like feelling and it is also making me feel on edge all the time. It almost feels as though I am permanently on the verge of a panic attack however it just isn't happening. Despite this I am feeling quite positive and happy about everything at the moment and am not letting this strange feeling ruin my days. It is almost as if I have done something wrong but just dont know it yet or I have some other reason why I should be feeling anxious. Does anyone else have any experience of this type of feeling?

It really is strange and I cant explain it any better then I already have as I am even really confused by it. I just thought perhaps some of you may have experienced something similar. Usually when I am feeling anxious I can identify exactly what it is that is causing my anxiety. Perhaps this however is just general anxiety I am experiencing, for no particular reason at all. I am glad that I am staying so busy with work at the moment as I feel as though if I wasn't as busy, I would be more likely to let this strange feeling stop me from being my happy and cheerful self.

Taking anxiety medication

For years my doctor wanted me to take medication for my anxiety however I refused. She thought that it would help a lot with the anxiety I had associated with my anorexia and thought that taking it would allow me to make more progress in my recovery. I had a few reasons for not wanting to take this type of medication. I don't think I was truly ready to get better yet and I was not yet ready to stop listening to my anorexia. I had heard that anti anxiety and depression medications could cause weight gain (which certainly has not been the case for me) so I was worried that my doctor only wanted me to take the medication to make me gain weight. I also felt as though taking a medication like this would mean that I was weak, as taking this kind of medication would mean that I was not able to get better on my own.

Eventually, I decided to give taking anxiety medication a proper go but it was not actually for my eating disorder recovery I decided to do this, it was actually just before I started my new job. I was worried that my anxiety and self doubt would prevent me from being confident enough in myself to actually do my new job at the bank. However once I started taking the daily medication, My anxiety did not only imensely improve at work, it also improved in regards to my anorexia as well. Now the amount of anxiety I feel whenever I fight my anorexia is much more barable, which means that I am able to start making more and more progress in my recover.

As I have been eating so much more and allowing my mind to repair, I have been able to think so much clearer and more rationally so my anxiety has got even better still. Once My mind is completely recovered I do not feel as though I will need to continue taking the anxiety medication at all, as I will be strong enough to control the anxiety I get from day to day by myself and I dont expect I will sufffer from anxiety, anywhere near as much once I make a full recovery. Afterall, it is only since I started starving my poor brain that my anxiety has gotten so out of control. I do not feel weak for taking anxiety medication and neither should you. As long as you recover from your eating disorder, who cares what you must do in order to achieve it (as long as you are not doing anything dangerous or unhealthy of course).

To me, getting happy and healthy is all that matters and if doing that requires me to take a small anxiety tablet each morning to keep my anxiety at barable levels whilst I choose to fight my anorexia, then that is exactly what I will do. I do not feel ashaimed of the fact that I was not able to cope with the extreme anxiety associated with recovery on my own. I am proud because I know that I  am doing everything in my power to ensure that I make a full recovery from anorexia and fight it every day with everything I have got! So please, if you feel as though your extreme anxiety is preventing you from sticking to your meal plan or doing any of the other things you need to do in order to recover, talk to a doctor about taking some anxiety medication. I know I would not have been able to make as much progress as I have without it and it really could be the difference between whether you recover from anorexia, or die with this awful illness.

Trying to gain a healthy relationship with exercise

While recovering from Anorexia, I know that I do not only need to gain a healthier relationship with food, but with exercise too. When I finished work today and got home, it was raining so I did not think I would be able to take Tess for a walk, like I usually do. As soon as this thought entered my mind, I immediately started feeling very anxious which has made me think twice about how healthy me current relationship with exercise is. Although I have cut my exercise down significantly since getting serious about my recovery, I still do take Tess for 2 short (15-20 minute) walks each day.

When I was at my sickest, I went for a huge power walk every single day. It did not matter how terrible the weather was, I still felt as though I had no choice but to go for my huge walk. If I was unable to go walking for some reason, I would restrict my intake a lot to make up for using less calories. Even in the 18 months or so that I spent in my half recovered state, I still compulsively walked every single day. I always went walking early of a morning, as if this gave me the permission I needed to eat for the rest of the day. Besides my walking, I also spent as much time on my feet throughout the day that I possibely could and would feel guilty for resting.

My exercise issues have got much better through my recovery so far but tonight showed me that I am yet to gain a completely normal or healthy relationship with exercise. I felt guiltier eating my tea tonight then I have in a really long time and I know that this is only because I had decided not to take Tess for her usual evening walk. I even feel quite sick after eating my tea tonight, which hardly ever happens to me and I think that this is purely due to me feeling anxious about not doing as much exercise as I usually do.

When I finished my tea tonight, I walked outside to find that the rain had actually stopped. My anorexia was delighted, as it knew that I would now be able to take Tess for her walk but I knew that taking Tess would be the wrong decision, in terms of my recovery. I knw that the only way I will ever develop a healthy relationship with exercise is if I challenge by anorexia, by doing the complete opposite of what it wants me to do in regards to exercise. This is not easy always wasy for me as walking Tess is something I really need to do each day but I still plan to challenge my anorexia any chance I get (like tonight), in regards to the exercise I do.

My dessert: warm chocolate self saucing
pudding with vanilla icecream

I need to remind myself that just because I may not do as much exercise on any one day, this does not mean that I should intentionally eat any less. The extra energy cannot hurt me, especially whilst I am in recovery. Tonight I made sure I ate just as much as I usually do, despite the guilt I was feeling. By not restricting I know that I am fighting my anorexia and getting closer to becoming fully recovered.

A delicious dinner to end a bad day

While being at work did distract me a little from my anorexic thoughts, it was still a relatively hard day for me. Despite the constant conflict that was going on in my head, I still ate each and every one of my meals, just as I promised myself I would. I am proud of myself for getting through the day today and not giving into my anorexia, no matter how anxious and guilty it made me feel.

When I got home from work I cooked myself a very simple but also very delcious tea. I cooked myself 2 fish cakes (that I bought frozen), mashed potato, corn, peas and carrots.

I havent eaten fish cakes since before I got anorexia but I really enjoyed them tonight. While I never get sick of any of my snacks or other main meals, sometimes I really cant get motivated to cook tea. Sometimes I dont know what I feel like and other times I simply dont feel like cooking. I grew up eating meat and vegetables every single night of the week so I do enjoy eating more interesting foods sometimes but sometimes I think it is better to just try and keep it simple.

After tea I cleaned up and took Tess for a really quick walk in the dark as she had been tied up outside to her kennel all day while I was at work. When I got back from my walk I had some dessert which was chocolate self saucing pudding heated up in the microwave and topped with vanilla icecream. 

It was delicious but I really dont think I will feel like having a hot chocolate before bed, as dessert was so sweet. I may have some fruit instead (of course I will make sure the fruit I have contains approximately the same amount of energy as the hot chocolate would have).

I have the weekend off which is fantastic but I really hope I feel a little better tomorrow then I have today. While I know it is important for me to rest, I think I will have to try and keep myself relatively busy so that I can distract myself from my anorexic thoughts. I will hopefully go and visit my dad as I feel as though we havent spent enough time together lately. I will also see if my sister Amy wants to come and keep me company for a few hours tomorrow. I hope that everyone has had/ is having a good day today and that you have a wonderful weekend planned. :)

One of those days

While some days I feel really good about gaining weight and recovering, other days I dont and today just happens to be one of those days. Ever since I got up this morning I have been feeling extremely guilty about how much I eat each day and how quickly I am starting to gain weight. My anorexia is screaming at me to cut my meal plan down or cheat on my meal plan but I know I cant do this. Doing this would be giving into my anorexia which is something I simply cant afford to do. So on days like today, unfortunately all I think you can do is try and ignore the anorexic thoughts as best you can and just put up with them.

One of the worst times for me to get anorexic thoughts about eating too much or gaining too much weight is when I pack my lunch box of a morning before work. When I pack my lunchbox and all of the food is put together, suddenly I realise just how much I eat and my anorexia realises it as well. I even had to buy a 'super lunch box' so that  I can fit all of my food in that I eat throughout the day. 

Hopefully once I get to work my mind will be on other things and my anorexic thoughts may not be quite as loud as they currently are. we all need to remember that while we cant stop our anorexic thoughts, we can choose not to act upon them just because they are there. Yes, they may promise to make you feel better if you listen to them but you need to remember that these are lies. Try to be strong enough to do what you know in your heart is right for you and your recovery. 

No matter how terrible my anorexia makes me feel today I will keep the promise I have made to myself to not eat any less or exercise anymore then I would on any other day. I know I am strong enough to do this.