A busy few weeks

Over the last couple of weeks I have not had the time to write any blog posts as I have been so incredibely busy. Last week I had two days of work at McDonalds and the remainder of the week I spent studying for mid semester tests I had this week. It was actually mid semester break so I luckily didnt have any scheduled classes for the week however I still got lots of productive study done as was therefore well prepared for my tests.

Unlike this time 2 years ago when I was at university, I am now able to do other  things as well as study without expeeiencing overwhelming guilt, remain happy and stay relatively anxiety free. For instance all last week I studied when I could, but also went to a daily gym class and spent time with my boyfriend in the evenings, when he finished work. I now understand that taking breaks from study is bot something to feel guilty about, infact finding a healtgy balance between study, work and the rest of your life is essential.

I also didnt spend that much time studying over last weekend as my family came to Launceston Saturday so I caught up with them for my birthday as well as fathers day. Also as Sunday was Fathers day, we went out for lunch with Nathans family. I still got a few really productive hours of study done each day over the weekend though and since I had already gotten a lot of productive study done the week before, I was feeling well lrepared for my tests and anxiety free.

It was my 22nd birthday on Monday however I was so busy it didnt really feel like ny birthday. I went to ny usyal early norni g Pupmp class and then just revised before I did my first mid semester exam at midday. The exam went really well and despite the fact I had not spent every second leading up to the exam studying, I was well prepared and feeling good. This just proved to me how important it is to keep a balanced life ALWAYS and that getting PRODUCTIVE study done is the key to success at university. I had a couple of hours to spare before I needed to be back at uni for a tutorial so I spent it working on an assignment that was due on the Friday of this week (today).

As soon as my tutorial finished, I made the hour and a half drive to Ringarooma to my boyfriends parents house. My boyfriend spoilt me with lots of birthday presents including new Asics shoes, a nutritional pro to make my morning shakes in, a gorgeous silver bracelet, chocolates and a bottle of bacardi which is the type of alcohol I drink (not that I drink very often). He also got me a card and wrote a beautiful letter inside, which almost made me cry it was so sweet.

Nathan didnt want me driving all the way to his house on my birthday however I didnt want him driving all the way to me as he had done so much driving over the days leading up to that, including that morning when he drove from my place to work.I didnt mind driving as long as I got to spend the night with Nathan and his mum cooked my favourite Tea for me, roast chicken with vegetables and pavlova and cream with berries for dessert!

I made my way back to Launceston early on Tuesday morning as I had to work for 3 hours at McDonalds and wanted to get a couple of hours study done before hand. After work, I decided to go to a gym class as there really wasnt much more study I could do before my second mid semester exam the following day. I had already prepared myself so well for the test it was really only a matter of reading through all of the notes I had already made. After the gym class I had Tea and then just revised for another hour or so before getting an early night.

I woke up at 6am the following mornjng and studied until 9, before making my way to the university to sit my mid year exam. Like my other exam, it went well and I felt as though I was as prepared as I possible could have been, despite the fact that I hadnt spent every second leading up to the exam studying. I had managed to stay happy and healthy while studying for my exams and still felt really well prepared which is a huge accomplishment for me, given my history of perfectionism and intensive studying which lead to me being completely miserable last time I was at uni.

After my exam Wednesday Inwas feeling really tired so instead of going to the gym like I had planned to, I just rested instead and worked on my assignment. I got another early night Wednesday night and felt incredible when I woke up on Thursday morning so I went to my usual early morning Attack gym class which was a great class as I had so much energy. After that I headed back to my place to my place and had breakfast before watching a lecture. After lunch I started doing some of the housework I had neglected to do in my study week and also did ny grocery shopping and put the finishing touches on my assignment which is now ready to submit.  I Spent the evening with Nathan which was nice and now its Friday morning!

I have quite a big weekend coming up and this is already a long post so I think I will update you all on that early next week. I also aim to erite some recovery advice posts next week as I know I havent done this for a while now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! Xx

My dad, sister and I on Saturday

Recovery requires change

Day 14: Think about yourself 1 year ago, how have you changed?

Then vs Now

Weighing every single bit of food I ate
vs
Eating nearly every food without weighing it first (there are a few exceptions)

Needing to know the EXACT calorie count of everything I ate
vs
keeping a rough idea about how many calories I eat (so I know I am eating enough)

Seeing exercise as something I had to do every day no matter what
vs
walking my dog twise a day when I can, otherwise I dont exercise at all

compulsively counting macronutrients as well as calories
vs
having absalutely no idea what macronutrients I eat each day and not caring

Being absaluteltly terrified of gaining any weight
vs
Feeling dissapointed if I fail to gain weight

Feeling as though recovery is impossible
vs
believing that I can recover

Eating less calories then what is reccommended for the average women
Vs
Eating far more calories then what is reccommended for the average man

Refusing to eat food prepared by anyone else
Vs
being able to push myself to eat food prepared by others

Compensating for eating more at one meal or being unable to exercise by restricting
vs
Realising it is perfectly ok to eat more or exercise less without compensating

Refusing to drink anything but water and coke zero
vs
drinking Up and Go meal supplement drinks, juice and hot chocolate as well as water

Looking for foods to eat with a really low calorie density
Vs
Looking for foods to eat with a high calorie density

Still thinking that being thin was the answer to my problems
vs
Realising that being thin would only make my problems worse

Being completely socially withdrawn and miserable at university in the city
Vs
Being back in my home town and happily socialising everyday at work

Spending atleast an hour on my calorie counting app each day planning meals
Vs
Not even opening my calorie app most days (and if I do, I look up only a single food)

Letting my anorexia call the shots
vs
doing the complete opposite of whatever my anorexia tells me to do

These are just some of the differences between the way I was living one year ago and how I am now living today. I could go on writing but the list really does seem endless. I am almost a completely different person now. I have a whole new attitude about life and recovery and am now ready to start living the life I know I deserve to have. Seeing just how far I have come in the last year, reminds me of what I am capable of achieving over the next year of my life and this excites me very much. BRING ON RECOVERY!

Day 2: What have you done to help yourself with your eating disorder?

Something I have realised throughout my battle with anorexia is that recovery will not happen unless you actively make it happen. I spent years sitting around hoping that I would one day wake up free of my anorexia but it obviously doesnt happen like that. In order to recover you need to make changes and see them through no matter how painful they may be. Here is a list of 5 changes I have made since starting to recover. These changes would seem very easy to normal people but for me they were incredibly hard.

1. I have stopped weighing everything I eat
For me this was a huge change that I thought I would never be able to overcome. My anorexia hated me not weighing my food because it meant that I couldnt be sure exactely how many calories I was eatimg. I would weigh absolutely everything including things like muesli bars, slices of bread, icecream bars, spreads like peanut butter or jam, fruit and vegetables, biscuits, slices of ham and cereal. I even weighed out amounts of things like stevia sweetner that had practically no calories in them anyway. I would not trust the weights written on packets of food portions either so would re -weigh everything once I had unpacked it and then calculated the exact amount of calories based upon its true weight.

While there are a few foods I still weigh like rice and pasta, I can honestly say that I no longer feel the need to weigh most of the food I eat. I still do keep a basic track of how many calories I eat to make sure I am eating enough, but I no longer feel as though I need to know the exact weight and calories contained in what I am eating. This change didnt happen over night and it is something I have had to work really hard at but I am so glad I did because I feel as though a huge weight had be taken off my shoulders.

2. I Started my recovery blog
I have allready talked about how starting a blog has helped me in my recovery and you can read it here.

3. I have increased my calorie intake, ALOT
At the moment I am eating so much more
then I ever have before. Increasing my intake is not just something I have done once to help myself to recover, but something I have done many times. Every time I weigh myself and see I have not gained enough weight I increase my intake no matter how many reasons my anorexia comes up with of why I shouldnt increase. Over the last few years I have increased my calories from starvation amounts however I still refused to eat even a 'normal' amount and wondered why I couldn't gain weight. Now I eat a lot more than the average person, something I never would have dreamed of doing before. I have not only managed to increase my intake to the recommended minimum recovery intake of 2500, I have exceeded this amount by quite a lot and I feel great for it.

4. I started taking medication for my anxiety
Ever since being diagnosed with anorexia, my gp has tried really hard to get me to agree to taking medication for my anxiety. She told me that my underlying anxiety was making trying to recover too difficult as making changes caused me unbarable anxiety. And when I say unbearable, I mean it. I never did anything that I knew I was not 'allowed' to do as how I felt for going against my anorexia was so awful. When I was at my sickest if someone had told me I had to either risk my life and jump off a bridge or eat a block of chocolate, I definetely would have jumped off the bridge. Dont get the wrong idea, I have never been suicidal or suffered from clinical depression but not listening to my anorexic thoughts was a scarier thing for me then dying.

So eventually I started taking some medication for my anxiety and it was around that time (about a month before starting my blog) that I started to want recovery more. The reason I started taking my medication was actually because I was starting a new job and I knew that I needed to be more confident and stop doubting myself to do well. I reccommend trying medications like these for anyone trying to recover. While I still do feel anxious, now I feel as though my anxiety is much more barable. It even surprises me how strong I can now be when I stand up to my anorexia and I know that my medication is partly responsible for this. There is nothing wrong with getting help when you need it and this does not make you weak in any way. Does it make a cancer patient weak for having chemotherapy treatment if that is what they require for them to survive? Of course it doesn't. I dont care if I have to be on this medication for the rest of my life if It allows me to stay happy and healthy.

5. I stopped giving in to my anorexia
While I still hear my anorexic thoughts loud and clear, I dont let myself listen to them anymore. As I continue to fight my thoughts, I can feel my anorexia getting weaker and the real me getting stronger. Every day my anorexic thoughts get a little bit quieter and easier to ignore and therefore everyday I am getting closer to recovery. While it feels impossible at first, know that it does get easier but only if you stop listening. If you continue to give into your anorexia, you are only feeding it and making it stronger.

After hospital (Part 2)

I know that it has been a while since I wrote the post After hospital (Part 1), but I have finally decided to continue my story. So this post is all about the time leading up to when I actually decided I wanted to turn my life around and recover.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, when things got to hard with mum at home, I moved in with my dad and brother. It was awful having to leave my sister but Ireally had no choice but to leave. My dad was managing a farm in quite an isolated part of Tasmania and my brother was living with him so he could travel to college in the city each day. I have always been extremely close to my dad so was happy to be moving in with him.

A typical day for me

8:00 Get up and make Breakfast
8:30 Go back to bed and eat my breakfast while watching a series on my laptop
10:00 Get up and go for a shower
10:30 Read
11:00 Go for a very brisk walk around the farm
1:00 Have lunch and watch another series
3:00 Fill in my food diary
4:00 Have something for afternoon Tea
4:30 Write in my diary
5:00 Go for a drive to find phone reception so I can check facebook ;)
6:30 Have Tea
7:00 Watch Telly with dad and luke
9:30 Go to bed

As you can see my days were extremely boring and didn't change all that much for the few months I was living down there. I was only eating 5500 KJ a day and was exercising so I was obviously losing weight. At the time I honestly wasn't trying to lose weight anymore, but I was too terrified to eat anymore as I though it would make me gain weight.

A typical days food intake

Brakfast: 3 sachets of oats prepared with water
Lunch: 2 Mountain bread wraps with ham, lettuce, 1 slice of fat free cheese, redbeet and capsicum and a Soliel diet chocolate mousse
Afternoon Tea: 1 chicken noodle cup of soup (only 180 kJ) and a small packet of rice wheels
Tea: 1 cup of terriyaki flavoured rice with pumpkin and frozen mixed vegetables (carrot, peas, corn, potato, broccoli and caulliflower)

In my diary entries from this time I wrote alot about exercising and trying to increase my metabolism. I never had any energy at all but would still force myself out into the freezing cold each day to walk. In one entry I wrote;
'I have become a bit of a fanatic when it comes to exercise. If I don't get some decent exercise I feel really guilty and feel as though Ineed to make up for it by lowering my food intake for that day. I couldn't do much exercise yesterday as I had to drive to the ity so ate less than I usually do. I also made sure I went for a really goood walk today even though it was absalutely freezing. I went for a brisk walk up and down lots of steep hills and it only took me 47 minutes, even though it ususally takes me 50. I planned to do 13 minutes of skipping this afternoon so that I could get my daily exercise up to one hour but my dad came home early so I couldn't :(

My brother found a baby Pademelon wallaby while I was living with him and dad who I rared. He needed lots of attention and was absalutely gorgeous. I had to feed him every 4 hours, even at night but he gave me a reason to get up out of bed in the mornings and always managed to make me smile.
















My dad had given up on trying to give me advice or trying to make me eat as he knew there was no use. He knew that he couldn't help me until I was ready to help myself. One night while I was lying in bed I checked my heart rate and was shocked to find that it was only 30 beats per minute which is much lower than it should have been. Suddenly I was terrified as I didn't know if I would actually wake up the following morning or not. That is the moment that I realised that I needed to change if I wanted to survive.

I moved back home with my mum and sister as I knew that my dad was going to be moving home shortly after. From than on I was actively making some effort to recover although it proved to be an extremely slow process for me. My plan was to try and get to a healthier state before starting university the following year. I will share the rest of my journey since deciding I wanted to recover in a later post! :)