Deaing with pregnancy weight gain after an eating disorder

Weight gain is inevitable and necessary in a heathy pregnancy, unless you are overweight prior to pregnancy. The following diagrams show the amounts of weight the average healthy pregnant woman gains and also what that weight gain constitutes. These are just simplified guides however so you should not expect to gain exactly this much in pregnancy, always listen to your doctors advice :)


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Although I was expecting to gain weight when I fell pregnant, I don't really know how I feel about the 7-8 kilograms I have gained so far (I am currently 21.5 weeks). Some days, I feel a little self conscious about being bigger however my babies health is the most important thing to me so I just keep reminding myself that it is necessary to keep my baby healthy and that helps me to deal with it ok. Very few of my old clothes fit me so I have had to buy some new clothes in either bigger sizes or maternity wear and in order to stop myself getting upset when my old clothes no longer fit, I have stopped trying them on. 

I know that whilst some of the weight I have gained is fat tissue, a lot is also fluid, breast tissue, blood volume and baby/bump. I also keep reminding myself that it is temporary and that even if I am larger than I am comfortable with after I give birth, my weight will most likely stabilise back to my normal weight whilst I am breast feeding and returning to my normal healthy and active lifestyle. And if I don't return to my pre-baby weight, I think I will be ok with that also as being a good mum to my baby is more important to me than achieving a certain weight.

As my body continues to grow and my weight continues to go up, I hope that I can keep the same outlook and continue to deal with it as I currently am. At the moment, I never feel as though I am restricting what I eat or exercising to prevent weight gain, even if I do feel a little uncomfortable or anxious about my growing body. If I ever do start to feel as though I am letting any thoughts or worries about my weight gain negatively impact on me or my baby, I will seek help right away as I refuse to let my eating disorder jeopardise the health of my unborn baby.

Recovery makes you stronger

This is so true! After overcoming all of the obstacles of recovery, I know that I am much stronger then I have ever been before....

The time to recover is NOW

A great recovery song

Fight Song by Rachael Platten

Verse 1]
Like a small boat on the ocean
Sending big waves into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

[Pre-Chorus]
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice?

[Chorus]
This time this is my fight song
Take-back-my-life song
Prove-I'm-alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care
If nobody else believes
Cause I've still got
A lot of fight left in me

[Verse 2]
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep they say I'm in too deep
And it's been two years
And I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe yeah I still believe

[Pre-Chorus]
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice?

[Chorus]
This time this is my fight song
Take-back-my-life song
Prove-I'm-alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care
If nobody else believes
Cause I've still got
A lot of fight left in me

[Verse 1]
Like a small boat on the ocean
Sending big waves into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

[Chorus/Outro]
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My powers turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care
If nobody else believes
Cause I've still got
A lot of fight left in me
Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

For all my readers, but especially Laura

Remember nothing is impossible

Need something to fight for

In order to recover, I really do believe that you need to have something that you want to recover for. You need to have something to think of when you anorexia challenges you, that can motivate you to fight with all you have and win. If youu dont have anything to fight for, your anorexia will win every single time as you really need to have a purpose for fighting.

This may be something specific like wanting to get into a particular degree at university or it may be for a particular person. Or it could be something less specific like simply because you want happiness or you want to survive. No matter how awful your life may seem, everyone has sometthing worth fighting for and if you can identify that then recovery will becoming a little easier for you.

For me, I fight for true hapiness as this is my main goal in life. At the end of the day I honestly dont care what job I have, as long as I am happy. I dont care where Ilive or how much money I have, all that matters to me is being happy. I know that I cannot be truly happy (although life does feel pretty good at the moment) until I make a full recovery from anorexia and that is why I am determined to keep going.

I also fight for the people In my life who I love. My grandparents, brothers, mum, friends and in particular my sister and dad as they are the people I am the closest to in my life. I have started to want to recover for myself too but I have wanted to recover for da and Amy even more. I want to be here for my sister as she grows up to make sure she stays happy, healthy and safe. I also want to recover for my dad because I know that I broke his heart when he could see me killing myself when he felt like there was nothing at all he could do.

The other thing thing I aways think of is all of you, my wonderful readers. You have been possibely my biggest motivation since starting to recover as I feel as though I must fight my anorexia, everytime it reatrs its ugly head for you all. I want to prove to you all that it is possible to fight your anorexia and beat it and I don't want to let any of you down. Having all of you believe in me is a truly amazing feeing and I will be thankful to you all l long as I live as you really have helped to save my life, as you (my audience) have all become something for me to fight for.

So no matter what my anorexia throws my way, I know I can overcome it as I want all of these wonderful things way more then I want my anorexia. I know that I can fight my anorexia because I have all of these wonderful things in my life worth fighting for. Try to figure out exactly what you are fighting for so that you can think about that everytime you are tempted to listen to your anorexic thoughts. Trust me, it really does help.

Feel free to comment the things that you are fighting for below. This will hopefully help others by inspiring them to think of different things in their life that are worth fightinng for.

Warrior- Demi Lovato :)

I had never heard this song before today but I think it accurately represents recovery from an eating disorder as well as what it means to be recovered. I hope you find it as inspirational as I did :)

vhttps://youtu.be/UFeJkfB4xKo

Brave- Sara Bereilles

This song really hits home for me as it really describes what I want to see from you, as my readers, 'I want to see you be brave'. No matter what stage you are at in your recovery as long as you are brave you CAN keep making progress!  I can give you all advice and support but at the end of the day you are the ones who need to be brave and put it all into action. You are the creators or your own destinies so please, be brave so that you can live the lives you truly deserve to live. I believe in every single one of you, you just need to start believing in your selves too. <3 x

Day 13: Have your stuggles changed you? For better or worse? Why?

while I was actually sick, I believe that my anorexia changed me enormously and it wasnt for the better. It would be an understatement to say that I was a completely different person while I was sick. I spoke differently, behaved differently and thought differently. You can read a diary entry I wrote while I was in hospital here if you like. I shock myself every time I read this as I still cant believe I ever spoke that way. I dont even swear and these really are not my words, they are obviously my anorexias. 

While I was at my sickest, I know I was not a very nice person to be around. I was incredibely angry and argumentative. If I ever got in arguments with my mum, usually about what I was eating, I would yell and scream at her in the most awful way. One day I remember screaming at her in the most awful voice; "You make me want to Fucking kill myself." The worst thing was my little sister heard and began crying as she was terrified. When I went into these rages I really had no control over what I was saying or what I was doing. It really was as if I was possessed.

I only ever got into these 'possessed states' if someone confronted me about what I was eating or my weight loss as I suppose that is what made my anorexia the angriest. Usually these rages would end in me laying in the middle of the floor of my room, crying and screaming hysterically and completely out of control. I would dig my fingernails into my skin and scratch my arms and legs, kick the walls, hit the floor and bash myself in the head. At these times my anorexja was all that I was. The real me wasnt even there, or if it was it had no control what so ever.

So while I really do think that being sick with anorexia changed be for the worse, I believe that choosing to recover and begginning to recover has changed me for the better. I am stronger now then I ever have been in my life and I know that once I am able to overcome something as awful as anorexia, I will have the strength to overcome any other thing I may face in my life.

Reflecting on my time away from home

I was extremely nervous and anxious about going away for the 4 day training course in launceston for my bank job. While I am extremely happy to now be home again, I can see that these 4 days away are exactly what I needed to remotivate myself in my recovery.

It is important that we are able to recognise when we have made achievements and that we are also able to feel proud of these achievements. For me, this week has been full of wonderful achievements that I am proud of myself for making. I feel as though I have made the most progress in terms of my recovery in the past week, then I have in any other week of my life.

I didnt exercise at all even though my anorexia made me feel guilty when I didn't. I recognised the fact that it was actually my anorexia wanting me to exercise so I made sure I went against these thoughts and did as little exercise as possible. I have used my true voice to argue with any anorexic thoughts I have had over the last 4 days. No matter what my anorexia tried to tell me, I made sure I did the complete opposite.

I ate food from the restaurant three nights in a row and ate the entirety of each meal. I did not chose the lowest calorie option but whatvI truly felt like when I was ordering. Even more importantly, I did not restrict my dessert or my food intake earlier in the day to compensate for having a large dinner with an unknown number of calories in it.

I have tried to ignore the thoughts I am starting to have about my changing body and have not let these thoughts bring me down. I know that I have body dysmorphia and therefore cant trust that what I see in the mirror is real. Yes my body is changing but I need to keep telling myself that it is for the better, I am just getting physically stronger.

I really made the most of being outside my comfort zone and really took this opportunity to stand up to my anorexia better then I ever have been able to do before. While I was away I could have let my anxiety get the better of me and could have just given into my anorexia but I am so glad I didn't. Everytime I went against my anorexia I could feel my true self getting stronger, making it slightly easier for me to fight the next time anorexic thoughts arose.

The last week has really shown me that I can be stronger then  my anorexia and no matter how hard it may seem, you never have to give in to you eating disorder thoughts. I have managed to gain 700g over the past 6 days which is a huge achievement. An even bigger achievement may be the fact that I am glad about this weight gain. My anorexia isnt glad (as it is constantly reminding me) but the real me is truly happy as I can see that all my hard work this week has not only made me mentally stronger, but physically stronger as well.

Now I am home, I know I need to continue fighting my anorexia with as much determination as possible. The goals I have set for myself are;
-To continue to go against any anorexic thoughts I have, no matter how convincing or strong they may be
-To exercise as little as possible and to not compensate by eating less
-To continue eating meals prepared by others even if it just once a week
-To stop myself from restricting in other meals, just because one meal is going to be/has been bigger

Over the past few days I have realised that I am strong enough to always fight my anorexic voice. Yes this can be incredibely painful at times. In fact, it is much more painful in the short term to fight your anorexia than to give into it. We need to remember that the easiest option is generally not the right option however and that we must put ourselves through the pain of recovery so that we can enjoy the happiness that comes with actually being recovered.

An important message