Sunday, 17 May 2015

Day 13: Have your stuggles changed you? For better or worse? Why?

while I was actually sick, I believe that my anorexia changed me enormously and it wasnt for the better. It would be an understatement to say that I was a completely different person while I was sick. I spoke differently, behaved differently and thought differently. You can read a diary entry I wrote while I was in hospital here if you like. I shock myself every time I read this as I still cant believe I ever spoke that way. I dont even swear and these really are not my words, they are obviously my anorexias. 

While I was at my sickest, I know I was not a very nice person to be around. I was incredibely angry and argumentative. If I ever got in arguments with my mum, usually about what I was eating, I would yell and scream at her in the most awful way. One day I remember screaming at her in the most awful voice; "You make me want to Fucking kill myself." The worst thing was my little sister heard and began crying as she was terrified. When I went into these rages I really had no control over what I was saying or what I was doing. It really was as if I was possessed.

I only ever got into these 'possessed states' if someone confronted me about what I was eating or my weight loss as I suppose that is what made my anorexia the angriest. Usually these rages would end in me laying in the middle of the floor of my room, crying and screaming hysterically and completely out of control. I would dig my fingernails into my skin and scratch my arms and legs, kick the walls, hit the floor and bash myself in the head. At these times my anorexja was all that I was. The real me wasnt even there, or if it was it had no control what so ever.

So while I really do think that being sick with anorexia changed be for the worse, I believe that choosing to recover and begginning to recover has changed me for the better. I am stronger now then I ever have been in my life and I know that once I am able to overcome something as awful as anorexia, I will have the strength to overcome any other thing I may face in my life.


  1. I can completely relate to the feeling of being 'possessed' and it's terrifying. The fact that you are so open and admit to things is so insightful of you. It must be so painful for you so I think you're very brave. You are so strong! X

    1. Thank you so much for all of your lovely comments. It means a lot that you are finding my posts helpful and I also love hearing about how you can relate with what I write. I hope you are doing ok. Keep fighting. :) x