It is important that we are able to recognise when we have made achievements and that we are also able to feel proud of these achievements. For me, this week has been full of wonderful achievements that I am proud of myself for making. I feel as though I have made the most progress in terms of my recovery in the past week, then I have in any other week of my life.
I didnt exercise at all even though my anorexia made me feel guilty when I didn't. I recognised the fact that it was actually my anorexia wanting me to exercise so I made sure I went against these thoughts and did as little exercise as possible. I have used my true voice to argue with any anorexic thoughts I have had over the last 4 days. No matter what my anorexia tried to tell me, I made sure I did the complete opposite.
I ate food from the restaurant three nights in a row and ate the entirety of each meal. I did not chose the lowest calorie option but whatvI truly felt like when I was ordering. Even more importantly, I did not restrict my dessert or my food intake earlier in the day to compensate for having a large dinner with an unknown number of calories in it.
I have tried to ignore the thoughts I am starting to have about my changing body and have not let these thoughts bring me down. I know that I have body dysmorphia and therefore cant trust that what I see in the mirror is real. Yes my body is changing but I need to keep telling myself that it is for the better, I am just getting physically stronger.
I really made the most of being outside my comfort zone and really took this opportunity to stand up to my anorexia better then I ever have been able to do before. While I was away I could have let my anxiety get the better of me and could have just given into my anorexia but I am so glad I didn't. Everytime I went against my anorexia I could feel my true self getting stronger, making it slightly easier for me to fight the next time anorexic thoughts arose.
The last week has really shown me that I can be stronger then my anorexia and no matter how hard it may seem, you never have to give in to you eating disorder thoughts. I have managed to gain 700g over the past 6 days which is a huge achievement. An even bigger achievement may be the fact that I am glad about this weight gain. My anorexia isnt glad (as it is constantly reminding me) but the real me is truly happy as I can see that all my hard work this week has not only made me mentally stronger, but physically stronger as well.
Now I am home, I know I need to continue fighting my anorexia with as much determination as possible. The goals I have set for myself are;
-To continue to go against any anorexic thoughts I have, no matter how convincing or strong they may be
-To exercise as little as possible and to not compensate by eating less
-To continue eating meals prepared by others even if it just once a week
-To stop myself from restricting in other meals, just because one meal is going to be/has been bigger
Over the past few days I have realised that I am strong enough to always fight my anorexic voice. Yes this can be incredibely painful at times. In fact, it is much more painful in the short term to fight your anorexia than to give into it. We need to remember that the easiest option is generally not the right option however and that we must put ourselves through the pain of recovery so that we can enjoy the happiness that comes with actually being recovered.