For example It is a bit frustrasting that if my best friend says her bum looks big in whatever she is wearing, it is ok but if I say the same thing, people think I am being anorexic. I guess what I am trying to say is that I DO believe making a full recovery is possible, but at the same time I expect I will always have a few eating disorder like thoughts because that is just normal for all girls and probably guys too.
If you ask any normal girl if they want to gain weight, I guarantee most of them willsay no. This doesnt make them anorexic, it is quickly accepted. So is it really that unhealthy for me to say I dont want to gain a lot more weight either because I currently like my body the way it is? Also even though I still worry I have over eaten sometimes, I worry a lot less then I did before I ever developed anorexia. My relationship with food is definetely the best it has been since I was a child, but still I am not considered to be fully recovered.
I guess its not something I should worry about, afterall worrying wont get me anywhere. I guess I just need to keep going as I am and hope that I continue to improve. If my thoughts were to remain the same as they are now for the rest of my life though, I would be ok with that too. My eating disorder no longer interferes with my life and I feel healthy and happy so I guess that is what matters most.
For example last weekend I had an amazing weekend and not once did my eating disorder interfere with that. I ate out, ate junk food, drank a lot, wore bikinis, exercised less and didn't let myself compensate for doing all those things afterwards. I just continued to get on with my life like a normal person would after a wonderful weekend. Who knows if I am as recovered as I will ever be or if I still have more progress to be made.
All that matters is that I am happy and making the most of life which I am! What about you? What do you think determines whether you are recovered?
Karly what an interesting post. You should be so proud of how far you have come! Yes I believe there IS a difference between you and 'others' when they say they do not want to gain weight. For you to be truly healthy, to have a normal period without relying on the pill, to grow strong bones and everything that comes with a healthy body you cannot necessarily believe that you are healthy at the weight you are at. I spent ages at a low healthy weight after anorexia only to find several years later that I burnt out and was not as healthy or recovered as I had thought. Many people go through this kind of fake recovery and it is the anorexia talking. Most doctors say you need to get to a minimum of BMI 20, not matter what the rest of your family look like. There is too much at stake to stay at a low end of BMI. If you r body is naturally meant to be there it will settle around that point again. I can honestly tell you though, that to get to BMI of 20 from where you are will hardly make a difference to how you look, but it will make you healthier! please don't delude yourself. and I am not being nasty saying that, I honestly want the best for you :) By the way have you had a bone scan to check your bone health? You are a wonderful fighting spirit Karly and you are truly amazing. Don't forget that :)
ReplyDelete