It is so strange how you can feel relatively ok with how you look one day and the next day you can feel huge and hate the way you look. I have been trying to think about what may have triggered these thoughts but nothing obvious comes to mind. I have not been reallly worried about anything that is going on in my family, in fact things are better now then they have been in a really long time and my anxiety has been ok.
I didnt sleep very well last night. I probably only got 3 or 4 hours sleep all up so perhaps that is why my anorexia is controlling my thoughts today and I am not feeling great about my new body. My anorexia always seems so much stronger when I am tired. I also tried on a new pair of pants (kind of like sports tights) this morning which fit me fine but I instantly thought that my bum looked big in them, which may also be what has set me off.
My bum was always the part of me that I was most self conscious about and the part of my body that I hated the most. If I gained any weight at all it always seemed to go to my legs and bum and my brothers constantly teased me about my bum as they new that it bothered me. I know that I need to get over this though as I need to accept my body exactly the way it is supposed to be naturally. Even though Iwanted to, I refused to take the pants off as I think that wearing them for the day will help me to accept myself.
I know that it is to be expected that I am struggling to accept my new body sometimes, especially whilst my anorexia is still in my head. But I know that I just need to keep ignoring these thoughts as much as I can and make sure that I do not let these thoughts influence my decisions or actions. I really have gained a lot of weight in the last few months and I just need to be patient and take some time to adjust to it.
If I keep fighting, I know that my anorexic thoughts will eventually dissapear all together and then I will hopefully be able to accept myself and my body completely.
You know that recovery doesn't end when you reach your healthy weight. After that you have to continue your journey. And I heard that this part of the whole recovery is the most triggering and hard! But keep going! You can do it! You've already proved that you are so much stronger than this illness!
ReplyDeleteI found a really nice post on tumblr:
"when you hate your legs
remember that they carried you through the hardest parts of your life. they get you out of bed every day and take you to what you love.
when you hate your stomach
remember that it helped you gain strength. it holds the memories of deep laughter and great meals. it is full of warmth and joy.
when you hate your arms
remember that they are strong, which makes you strong. but they are also soft and can be used to cuddle and hold the ones you love."
Exactly. I know thaat while I am may be getting close to being physcally recovered, I still have a long way to go before I am mentally recovered. And I know that even after you recover you can have bad body image and hat is something that you need to contine to work oon, in order to overcome it.
DeleteThat post is amazing! Would you mind if I used that on my blog sometime? x Stay strong gorgeous. I hope you are doing ok. x
Of course you can use it! Although it's not mine...
DeleteAw I feel so sorry for you when you get a bad day Karly. I wish there was something that I could do or say that would help you, but it's so hard to believe when anorexia is so strong. Anorexia will try to rummage its way back in all the time, and given that you were probably super tired, anorexia will have taken advantage of this fact knowing that you wouldn't be as strong as usual if you were tired. It's a nasty, evil illness, but you have such a super power to overcome it. You're doing so well. You'll get bad days, that's the nature of recovery, but the more you overcome the bad days, the stronger you'll get and the weaker anorexia will get. Never forget how amazing you are lovely! <3 xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks for all of your support annie. Its no so bad really. Afterall, atleast i only get bad body image days sometimes. When my anorexia was developing i would always feel this way and i always felt awful about myself when i was much thinner too. So I am getting better in terms if my body image and am determined too keep fighting untill I can accept myself completely :) xx
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